right now

my second anatomy test is tomorrow, and i am scared. i am nervous. i did an awful job on the first one and i have studied a lot for this one, but there are no guarantees. i never know what is right and what is wrong. i have been studying this material every day for the past 2 weeks, and before that, i had kept up on the material. i am afraid of what i will receive on the test, but i will go to the room tomorrow and take the test. i am much more prepared than i was for the first test, but that does not mean i will get what i need to get to succeed. i know that in life, this test does not matter, but right now, i am nervous, and right now, i cannot stop thinking about how i will perform.

time to study!

no connection

the big difference between high school and college for me is the class sizes. i am in multiple classes of 500 people, and it's strange not personally knowing the teachers. i frequently send e-mails with questions. the professors are usually polite and respond quickly with the answers. then i stay after class and ask them more questions. they never put the name to the face. no one knows who i am, and no one knows how hard i am trying to succeed except me. if i ask the teachers for a favor, they will say no since we don't have any personal experiences-- even though we have been communicating over e-mail and after class multiple times.

it's just weird to me. i know the professors, yet they have no idea who i am. there is no connection. it's almost like a ghost student, asking them these questions. in class, if they remember my face, it's a nameless face, and over e-mail, it's a faceless name. i went up into lecture friday and asked a question i had asked over e-mail. the teacher mentioned she had gotten an e-mail regarding the same subject... i guarantee that e-mail was from me.

whatever. someday i will be in a situation where people will know who i am-- at least the people i am directly working with. i will not be a number, a nameless face, a faceless name.

hard start

i have tutored before. today i experienced something quite different. the school was the same, cheerful amongst a dreary and cold day, but the experience that followed was tiring and uncontrollable. it was difficult and i hadn't realized i'd be working with anyone like this.

the volunteer coordinator walked me to the 3rd grade class room. we met the teacher who seemed worn out. she told us my student had been sent to the office for bad behavior-- not something that had even crossed my mind. we walked to the office to meet an adorable little boy. we said hi, and he glanced up and then went right back to his puzzle. the principal asked us to go into his office. we sat at the table and talked about my role. while this was going on, instead of sitting at the table listening, or at least sitting, the boy was running around the office, climbing on chairs and desks. the principal thought it'd be a good idea to have the boy give me a tour of the school, so he sent me out in to the vast school without giving me any background on the boy.

we left, and as soon as we were out of eye sight of the office, the boy ran off. he ran up the stairs and i had no idea where he was. this was scary. they had just given me this kid, and already, he was lost. i stumbled into the cafeteria and peered around, hoping my student was in the room. he jumped out and scared me. this was not going to be easy, but i stayed patient. he talked with me for no more than 2 seconds and was racing away again. finally i told him to sit down, and he did. i asked him if he wanted me there. he said he did, but i wasn't sure. again, he was having me do many things. this kid was clever and more manipulative than any 8 year old i'd ever met.

we settled on a game of kickball. not sure i was supposed to be doing that, but it was the only thing that kept us in the same room. we played until i was tired, and then we played for about 15 more minutes. a teacher came in and asked us to go up to her room. i told her we'd be up there soon. when i told my student to head on up, he raced out of the gym. i, of course, had no idea where to go, so i climbed the stairs and looked around until i found the woman.

we sat at the table, watching the student pay with animals. finally, the bell rang, and he bolted out of the room. i stayed later, completely feeling like i had not helped at all. i was so confused, i had no idea how to help this child. being his friend was not really an option since he couldn't stay seated long enough to talk to me.

as it turns out, he's had a rough background. i'm not sure why the school gave him to me, but they did. i need this kind of exposure, and i'm sure it'll get better. it's always going to be a challenge, and i need to establish some kind of order, or at least let him know i'm the boss, but we'll get there.

lastly, about 15 minutes ago, i received an e-mail from the volunteer coordinator telling me i should be happy and have fun volunteering-- well between you and me, i did not have fun. i was worried the kid was going to run away from the school, and he was rude and loud and i had no idea how to make him happy or even listen to me. the entire time i was there, i was temped to leave, just say i couldn't handle it. but, the truth is, with all the things this kid has been though, the last thing he needs is for someone else to give up on him. so i won't. i'm going back tomorrow, it might be better, but most likely not. i signed up to make a difference, now i just need to accomplish it.

sunny attributes

it's been dreary and cold for days, and i've been waking up the my alarm clock instead of the sun pouring into my window. today, finally the sun came out. it was incredible, and it felt amazing. i have been wearing winter coats and sweatshirts. today, i wore a t-shirt. it was liberating and completely renewed my point of view. and this many sound strange, but i got the motivation to go home and study, which is good considering i have an anatomy test soon and i need to study for it.

all i'm sayin' is that it's so great to see the sun amongst so many cloudy and depressing days. not that i've experienced this, but i've heard that places like seattle have a million cloudy and rainy days. i'm not so sure i could handle that type of weather day after day.... i love where i live, even with the rain. the sunny days make it all okay.

deyarmond edison

i had lyrics in my head. i could not place them, i couldn't remember what song they came from but i knew i had to listen to that song. i knew the band was a local, from my home town and i had an idea on who the genius was behind the beautiful song, but i didn't know what it was called. i searched for the lyrics in google, hoping it could assist my search and narrow down the song that was continuously playing in my head.

i typed "and if i was god, this isn't even something that i could create". i was not sure those were the words and when nothing came up on google, i was almost to the point of thinking i had thought up the song myself. i kept searching, playing through every single deyarmond edison song on my itunes. i finally found it. the song that was on repeat in my head was called "the lake" written by deyarmond edison.

as it turns out, the song is even more incredible than i could remember. justin vernon has a very soothing voice. in his newer stuff, his voice is high, in his altimiso range, and while it seems to serve him very well for bon iver, he truly has a very frank sinatra ish voice. very deep and simply soothing. i love the entire song beginning with the percussion intro to the lyrics about what i can only assume is long lake in new auburn, wisconsin.

the song brings be back to my childhood at camp manitou and makes me remember all the amazing times i had there with friends and family alike. that camp was a second home to me and i can remember justin up there, before all his fame and fortune, singing to all of camp his amazing and thoughtful pieces.

however, the lake also makes me think of my future. it reminds me of the simple things in life and tells me to leave part of my life in the hands of higher power. this song is, at the present time, forcing me to slow down and take in the free things. justin and the other members of the band obviously have an attachment to this lake. they received something from this piece of land that is magical. i can only hope to find something as wonderful from something so pure and untouched in my life.

i am glad these lyrics were running through my head, and i have been listening to the lyrics non stop since i figured out who it was by.

life is short. take it one day at a time, and stop to look and appreciate the little things. it'll make like much better, less stressful. and all together happier.

happiness, success, and money

"what's money... a man is a success if he gets up in the morning, goes to bed at night, and in between does what he wants to do" -bob dylan

this quote is good. i work in an exploration center where students can come in, ask questions about majors and careers and ultimately, try and figure out what the next step is in their life. it's a good place, and that is the quote we have up.

now, if i told this to my dad, he'd ask me how i was going to pay the bills, and eat food, and afford the luxuries of life, but i'm thinking that if i choose a job that i love to do, i'm going have a good life. i guess the real goal is happiness. if i can find that, if i can find something that makes me genuinely happy and can surround myself with good people, i feel that i will have succeeded.

i believe i'm on the right track. i want to help people, i like medical things, and hospitals make me happy because they never shut down. i have the personality to make the best out of nasty situations, but i do not want to be 'making the best' out of a job i hate.

success isn't easy, it's something you have to work for. and maybe i'm too idealistic or naive, but i feel like once i find something i truly love doing, the rest of my life will fall into place. i will have enough money to get by and be happy. the struggles along the way will only prove to make me stronger.

i am already convinced that i can do this. i know that if i put my mind to something, nothing can stand in my way of getting what i want... again maybe too naive, but i'm working for a goal, and someday, i will be able to tell people i've accomplished it.

utterly repulsive

last year i got a text from my roommate that read something like "the kid sitting next to me in lecture is sneezing all over me and wiping snot all over his coat". i was grossed out and glad i was not my roommate in that lecture hall. of course, each and every one of us has been in a similar position of either the patron next to the sick patient or the patient itself.

i had almost forgotten about this text, and thought that swine flu along with the common cold were away from me on campus, until i sat next to my classmate in our small 20 person class. the boy next to me has been yelled at numerous times for random things, but i never thought of him as 'unsanitary'-- at least i had no reason to believe this statement was true. he, like most people, sneezed in the middle of class, into his hand. then, unlike any 18 year old with common sense or a respect for hygiene of kind, wiped his hand full of snot all over the table he was seated at. it took this kid muptiple wipes to get all of the snot off his hand. then he went back to listening as though nothing had happened. i had been listening, but after i witnessed this grotesque act, i could not longer focus all of my attention on the professor. i wanted to get out of the room, and wash my hands, i wanted to get some kleenex for the kid, i wanted some bleach for the table. i looked around the room, hoping someone else had seen this act of germ spreading, but no one had seen it.

later in the class, we were going over some sheets we were supposed to print of the internet. the kid with the bad habits next to me had not printed off the sheets. furthermore, he volunteered to read, and took my papers, grasping them tightly in his hands, basically intoxicating them with his snot and germs. again, i was repulsed. i held my breath for the remaining 15 minutes of class, and as i left, i sanitized and washed my hands thoroughly.

most people stay home when they are sick, but in college, you miss a lot of information if you skip even one lecture. it's not as easy as those 'sick days' allotted by most work places. if your nose is literally running all over your clothes and on to the people next to you, you, sir, are allowed to miss class and get better! however, if you are immature enough to first sneeze in your hand and then proceed to wipe it all over brand new tables, you need to go back to kindergarten and learn how to both sneeze in your elbow and use a kleenex, or at the very least, ask if you are able to leave the class room and attend to some sanitation business.

everyone gets sick, it's life, and one cannot control it. but how you deal with it, how you react when you do sneeze all over yourself, those are things you can control. be a good citizen. and when you think no one is watching, you're wrong. i guarantee it.

clean streak

again, i made my to-do list for the day. i actually accomplished a large amount of it, but as always, i got side tracked.

when my roommate and i moved in, we went to target and bought a ton of cleaning products (which were quite expensive..) and have basically not used them for the almost 2 months we've been living here, and every time i walk into the bathroom, i am aware of this.

i was so bored with reading and studying chemistry and anatomy and all of my other classes, that i was brought to to act of cleaning. i first cleaned the sink, then the toilet and the window sill and the shower and the floor and took out the trash and bought in the vacuum (which did not work AT ALL) and did the dishes and cleaned the counter. my apartment looked so different and so clean. the dust was gone, the junk on the floor (the part i swept) was gone, the sink was clean and had no scum. and no matter how much i hate cleaning at home, it actually made me feel good and accomplished to do it here.

i think there's something very rewarding about making your house a home (or in my case, an apartment). it feels right and clean, and whenever i'm doing homework in a dirty place, i get side tracked by thinking about how i need to clean. and the thing about my room (not so much the rest of the house) is that it gets dirty in a matter of hours. i frequently change clothes and throw things on the floor, and it gets messy. most of my stuff is under my bed or in some place out of sight when the room is clean, but i can always find ways in which i need to use the things 'out of sight' in my room...

so try it. when you are bored, or need a break, try cleaning. i know it's something your mother always told you to do- and that you HATED doing it, but i promise, i'll make you feel better. there's something amazing about having a clean space, a space that's picked up. i'm not the kind of person who needs it clean all the time, i am a slob, but cleaning up does make me feel better.

anything but homework, right?

autumn

on most days, leaving my apartment before 730 in the morning would be drag, but this morning, it felt almost liberating. getting up was not fun, and when my alarm went off at 7 instead of 6, i was a bit flustered and confused, but i prevailed and got ready in a timely fashion.

walking out the door, i smelled something that can only be described as liberating, fresh, new. the smell in my apartment is not bad-- my roommate and i bought those glade scented wall fresheners that smell like winter and christmas (and that has always been a favorite time of mine). but outside, the earth was speaking.

i read all of these things about saving the environment and not letting global warming consume the beautiful resources the earth has to offer. i appreciate walking to class and fresh smells. and even though it was cold this morning, the air offered more than anything i can ask for. it was the relief i needed. and i'm glad that even though i live in the down town district of a large metropolitan city, that i can still experience the goodness autumn has to offer.

thank you god!

broiling...

at home, i broil food all the time. it is the quickest and easiest way to cook something. i broil vegetables, chicken, and lots of other things, but in my apartment, whenever i put the broiler on, the fire alarm goes off.

tonight i was trying to make some crispy vegetables, and i set off the alarm probably about 5 times. there was not even smoke in the air. my neighbors are probably thinking i am crazy, because last night i found out the walls are extremely thin. i'm surprised i haven't heard much from the others. maybe i just have my music up so loud i can't hear anyone else over my noise. anyway, cooking is not going the way i thought it was going to go.

i tried to make soup last night. it was going to be very tasty... but then i poured in the garlic salt instead of sprinkling it in, and it was gross! i tried to drain it, and it didn't work at all. the taste is even worse because i decided to add salsa that i wanted to get rid of to my soup. i didn't like the salsa because it tasted like shit... so why i decided to add it to my soup, i have no idea. but i did. and it ended up tasting like the salsa. i ended up draining all of it and freezing it. i'll cook it with chicken, and hopefully the taste will dissipate and end up being yummy. nevertheless, i'll be eating it.

life without facebook is difficult-- i am constantly wanting to go online, but i can't. my roommate has my password and i can't ask her for it less than 24 hours later. i'm going to ask for it this weekend, but then next week, she's back at it. studying is going okay. i figured out that i can get an okay grade in my class if i get 100% on the rest of my tests. i'm not sure that will happen, but i'm going to try. it's going to get better, and i can do it.

disconnecting

after receiving a truly awful grade on my anatomy exam, i am taking it upon myself to be removed from temptation such as facebook. i spend hours on this pointless website harvesting crops on farmville, stalking friends' photos, reading wall to walls and writing on other people's walls. i love the site, i love the communication, but with my passion for nursing, i need to get good grades in anatomy along with my other classes, and wasting time on facebook is just not the way to do it.

i am frequently writing about how to become self motivated-- well i think i've finally figured it out. if you get a bad grade in something you care about, it will do one of two things to you: either make you so upset and angry that you quit and give up OR motivate you to try harder for next time and combat it. luckily, my bad grade has done the second of each to me, and i take it upon myself to change the situation. if i get 100% on both of the other tests, i will end up with a decent grade in the class... and in order to get that grade, i need to study like my life depended on it- and in a sense, it does.

so anyway, i'm disconnected. i was in the midst of some conversations and wall writings when i could no longer participate. i had realized my friend had gone onto my account and changed my password. i am no longer who i say i am. i'm disconnected- out.

cheers y'all. i'll be back with a slight increase in grades and a shit ton of motivation.

i. hate. tests.

okay-- really, why are exams given? i understand the whole concept of knowing the information, but i believe that there are other ways, more defining and less scary ways of testing this knowledge. students study like crazy 2 days before an exam, cramming insane amounts of facts and memorizing specifics that they will forget mostly all of only 1.5 days later.

i do not understand. i love class. i love lectures and even the readings and work books are interesting to me. i love learning and i think that my anatomy and biomolecular chemistry classes are actually pretty fun and meaningful for the most part... it's the studying and agonizing and memorizing i don't care for.

seriously, how many students are screwed over because they are terrible test takers, or better yet and probably more common, horrible studiers. studying is not easy, and it's not really fun unless you believe that memorizing carbon groups and the specific parts of every bone in the body are entertaining. i do not. i like learning it the first time, even filling out maps or coloring it in, and using it in every day life would be great-- in fact, i have no doubt i'd learn it much faster in an environment that condones that-- being a student does not. my friends do not understand when i tell them that i need to work on my lateral obliques because my medial ones are alright, and i believe the the superior ones are better, but the inferior ones still need a lot of work... really not something used in every day language.

now those med schools, they know how to bring in their doctors. teaching anatomy alongside working with patients and doing clinicals-- or at least having a lab along with the class would be so much better, easier to understand, something practical. i would retain the information much better than learning it simply out of a text book. i just hate tests and testing and how it makes people. i see my best friend break down because she has so much information to jam into her head for her test... and really, it's information that will do her no good in life, at least not anything i can see for the future she's hoping for.

i know life isn't easy, and i know it's survival of the fittest and in this case, survival of the students with the photographic memory, but is that really how life should be? humans are the superior race, what are we competing for?